Not Sure Yet

It has been over a year since i lasted posted anything on here. I wish i had a decent, simple answer that everyone would understand and be like “o ok , i get it , its cool”. But alas, i do not. I gotta turn the gears a bit to try and figure out my reasoning, because its not clear, especially to me. Lets see- Its been a particularly rough year for me, but most people on this planet could say that given the state of things currently. I am proud to say i haven’t spent the last year in a drug fueled haze, nothing like that. If I’m guilty of anything like that then it would be that often times i act like a “dry drunk”. Thats a term from AA. It means your not using, that you are clean but you still sometimes act like your using. Now i don’t mean walking around stumbling and stealing. Its like your always pissed off because you want to get high but you know you can’t. So as you are aware of this fact it makes you miserable moist of the time. But your resolve is strong and you are determined not to use. Its crazy because just having that knowledge pisses you off even more lol. I gotta laugh about it, it helps me beat it. I guess the strongest reason i haven’t posted in so long is because iv been struggling with depression. Really struggling isn’t the right word, war would be a better one. I have been at war with my depression. Now does that mean I’m at war with own brain, feelings, thoughts, perception? Man this gets confusing and o so very tiring. Im a photographer, i LOVE going out and shooting photos. This past year i have barely picked up my camera. I Love music, this last year the only music iv heard is the music that plays during the credits of a movie. I could go on and on but i think you get the point. I have NOT been doing the things i love. I have actually put energy into NOT doing things i love. Thats depression for ya. Luckily, and for some reason i may never know i have started to slowly walk out of the hopeless dark that is depression these last few weeks. IV been using my camera a little bit, being more active. I even have listened to some music and damn did that feel good. Actually it felt completely exhilarating. That was just a few hours ago, and now not only am i writing (which i love to do), but i am writing something that anyone can read. I wish i could sit here and list some bigger steps, maybe even things that other people would consider accomplishments. But i can’t, i can only be honest. Luckily for me i know that even the smallest step is still a step. Another thing worth noting is that i really missed reading the posts of certain other bloggers pages. Thank you for being stronger than I, because that gives me strength. Heres hoping tomorrow will have a nice shine to it.