Love in the Methadone Line

No words will EVER be able to describe or shine light on how much i love and miss my little girl., how much i want for her and how perfect she needs to know she is. Thats one of the reasons i don’t talk about her much. The second reason is, and I’m ashamed to admit it, but just thinking about her wondering where daddy is cause my brain to instantaneously spiral out of control and whip around to stab me right in the heart. I can’t breathe. I cease to function. Im reduced to a creature curled into a ball, constantly sobbing and making sad sounds that could sometimes sound a bit like mutterings. But the most important thing in the world to me is for her to know how loved and how truly special she is. She is beautiful in every way, capable of doing ANYTHING. The sky isn’t the limit for her. I want her to know the real limit doesn’t exist, if you can see it then its not the limit, merely an obstacle to hop over. So anyways, even though she’s too young to read this, even though her mother will not let us even talk (because I’m on methadone, 7 years strong), i must speak this. My beautiful darling, the most wonderful creature that has ever graced life with their presence, you are the most beautiful, most capable, smartest, and toughest soul iv ever encountered. Daddy is looking for you as i know you are looking for Daddy (i solely had her the first five years of her life, sans mom). I will find you. And when i do it will be the start of my life. And you will know truly how special and beautiful you are. Well, now i got that off my chest so i can try to stop hyperventilating and stand a chance at breathing normally (atleast for a few minutes). The tears are flowing steady, I’m surprised the keyboard isn’t more screwed up from tear infusion. Already a number of keys get stuck, all because of the tears i have poured onto the keyboard while thinking of her, my baby girl. Now here i go again- I promised myself i would try my best at writing something that was interesting to read after i wrote a quick love letter to HER, and I’m not getting very far. All because of the legal system’s and the justice system’s ignorance when it comes to MMT (Methadone Maintenance Treatment). I stand in line every morning, hearing heartbreaker after heartbreaker and i realize that i fit right in. I too now have a tear jerker. But i don’t ramble about it. In fact i don’t speak about it. It hurts me too much. Anytime i have tried by the second or third word i erupt into an emotional mess, with tears flowing so steadily off of me its like I’m standing in a puddle of piss and not salty, sad water. Where do i start? I have tried in the past to allow the healthcare system around here the opportunity to learn about Methadone. No takers, not many care. We are just junkie’s getting high legally (this is the line that the mother of my daughter spoke that got her taken from me). The “justice” system thinks no differently. The hour is long overdue for people to actually know just what MMT is. Im not going to explain it all now, that would require months of planning, pamphlets, and an organized “attack” (on ignorance). What i will say is this- Nobody at the methadone clinic is “getting high” from taking their medicine (methadone). If they are inebriated that simply means they are doing something else also. No methadone clinic lets you get away with that for too long before they boot you out the door. They give you chances, but after so many times of you failing your random, up to 5 times a month drug tests do they show you the door. It truly amazes me the level of ignorance when it comes to Methadone Treatment. Not that you are doing anything wrong if you don’t know about it. What IS wrong is that ignorance being used against people. Iv seen it time and time again, and it will continue. But no matter what i will never stop trying to educate and inform anyone who wants to listen about Methadone Maintenance Treatment (MMT). Please tell me your stories of your friends that you know who go to “the clinic”, please ask me questions. If only i was more than i am, and had the might of 10,000 men with one million dollars. Then maybe my fight against the front of ignorance would be more of a battle and less of a slaughter. to any addict out there, using or in Recovery- I love you. WE can do this together. It only takes a spark to start a blazing inferno.