Family, Moving Forward, and the Circumference of Alanis Morissette’s Mouth

Have you ever had a day that started out with a big “fuck you” with a dash of hopelessness and fear thrown in? Thats been my morning so far. I wrestle with ideas, unsure of what to do, each one offering fear, loneliness, and thoughts id rather not think of let alone live. Just a few short weeks ago i was very ill. Me and reality had a bit of a spout so we split for awhile…..thats never fun. I seriously couldn’t tell what was real and what wasn’t. This isn’t the first time this has happened, and unfortunately it will not be the last. When thinking of a future for myself i see a grim reality where i end up just another mentally ill person living on the streets. Not healthy enough to maintain a full time job thus unable to afford housing (by myself). Hope is replaced by fear, good thoughts by hopelessness, even this computer replaced by….nothing. Maybe I’m being too hard on myself because I’m physically sick right now and fevers have a great way of fucking me up and distorting my thinking. Couple that with the fact that only a few weeks ago me and reality broke up for sometime and i guess i can see where maybe my thinking isn’t the greatest right now. It probably couldn’t even be called good or anything like it. This has been a pattern. I try and I try and i get sick, only to lose what ground i had made up from the last time i was sick. It actually sets me back further than i was before my last “episode”. None of my efforts have given me the inclination that this pattern will ever stop. And lets be honest- we all know it won’t stop, thats why I’m “mentally ill”. My whole life has been like this. I feel like there is no place for me in the modern world. Sure lets think positive and say “ill make my own place” in the world. I believe that is possible, just not to the level i need it to be. Why? This fucking mental illness that i and everyone else is really sick of. It will forever hold me back. What I’m feeling is maybe i haven’t come to terms with what that really means for my future yet. I thought i had somewhat of a handle on it but surprise surprise! That was just yesterday! Yesterday is in the past, today is a new day, ripe with possibilities both good and bad. It’s amazing how horrible it feels to see the pain that your mentally ill self is causing the ones you love. I can’t bear it. I hate myself for it more and more, Hope gets sucked away into the black void, and trust me I’m really hanging on to it tight. It’s no matter though, a large portion of hope, just gone. Sure ill find it again but at the moment i can’t even find my own center, my own point of reference where hope can start to grow again. “Give it time” they say. Yes its true that over time i will improve again. But when you struggle with crippling anxiety, depression, ptsd, ocd, whatever this or that doctor says- time is not the same linear fashioned beast that it is for healthy individuals. At certain times i am completely unable to make any sense of time, unable to grab a hold on move on. On top of struggling very hard lately with my mental illness i am also currently physically sick, with these fevers dealing out even more damage than usual. So maybe right there i just stumbled onto a bit of hope. Maybe ill try the old “ill just chalk this up to a bad day, or even morning”. That seems the most sensible course of action. Maybe if i can “re-start” my day somehow i will start with more hope and less “I’m a piece of shit”. I think that is exactly what I’m going to do, right after i read some posts from some bloggers on here that i feel understand. Those people and the writing they post does give me hope. I really hope one day/some day i will have some extra hope to spare, giving it to someone in desperate need of it like i am today. Just that possibility shines some light on hope thats hiding in the dark places. It’s funny how this whole thing works isn’t it? Life has the sickest sense of irony and humor i think possible, way more ironic than Alanis Morisettes gigantic mouth could ever belt out. Todays life is running it’s course, running right over me with ought even looking back. But hey, thats life. -Thank you to everyone else struggling with mental illness that has the courage and strength to post their writing, many times it has gotten me through the day- (Your Writing)